SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
And Develop A Lifelong Love!
By {your name here}
http://www.yoursitenamehere.com
Legal Notice:- The author and
publisher of this Ebook and the
accompanying materials have used their best efforts in preparing this
Ebook. The author and publisher make no representation or warranties
with respect to the accuracy, applicability, fitness, or completeness
of the contents of this Ebook. The information contained in this Ebook
is strictly for educational purposes. Therefore, if you wish to apply
ideas contained in this Ebook, you are taking full responsibility for
your actions.
The author and publisher disclaim any warranties
(express or implied), merchantability, or fitness for any particular
purpose. The author and publisher shall in no event be held liable to
any party for any direct, indirect, punitive, special, incidental or
other consequential damages arising directly or indirectly from any
use of this material, which is provided �as is�, and without
warranties.
As always, the advice of a competent legal, tax,
accounting or other professional should be sought. The author and
publisher do not warrant the performance, effectiveness or
applicability of any sites listed or linked to in this Ebook. All
links are for information purposes only and are not warranted for
content, accuracy or any other implied or explicit purpose.
Introduction
Whether you have been
married for only a brief period of time, many years, or even decades,
you want your marriage to be the best that it can be! Not only do you
and your spouse deserve happiness, this book will give you all of the
helpful tips and advice to
show you how to have exactly that!
You may have encountered some serious difficulties in your
marriage, or you may simply wish to improve what is already a good
relationship. The good news is you do not need to be content with
wishing-- you can reconstruct your marriage, and start well on your
way to building a lifelong love!
Read on-- and find the
all-important keys to a happy marriage that will last for a lifetime!
Chapter 1: To Find the Solution, First See the Problem
If you think about it, you may have noticed how often
people try to find solutions to a problem without being sure what the
problem actually is. You may also have noticed that attempting to
resolve a problem in this manner is futile-- in fact, it is nearly
impossible!
In order to find a solution, it is
essential to make acknowledging the problem the very first step. While
it would seem that this should �go without saying,� you would be
surprised at how many people miss it entirely, and try to rush
headfirst into possible solutions without fully acknowledging what
difficulties they are up against.
With this in mind,
you can avoid the time-consuming, frustrating trap which too many fall
into; and, instead, start at the beginning.
You can
begin by asking yourself what problems you and your spouse are
encountering. You will then know what difficulties need to be
resolved, and what you wish to accomplish. A good way to go about this
is to read through this book, and after you have thought about the
topics contained within, get together with your spouse for a
discussion. You can share your thoughts and
feelings, and ask your
spouse to share his or hers. Not only will this help in making
progress toward finding solutions, it will also open up the lines of
communication.
So, what kinds of problems are occurring
in your marriage? Are you and your spouse losing touch with each other
from basic lack of communication? Do you feel as if you are growing
apart, and no longer feel as if you have an active place in each
other's lives? Are there disagreements, or arguments, over such
factors as money, jobs, children, and other people? Are you and your
spouse considering a separation-- or, even worse, a divorce?
These, as well as most other factors which can cause a marital
relationship to fall apart, can be resolved. You do not need a pile of
�modern� books or other fads; and except in the most extreme cases,
you do not need �couples counseling� or therapy. You can begin to put
your marriage back together, reconstruct the joy that you both
experienced at the beginning, and use both that initial joy and your
mature experiences to make your marriage stronger and happier than
ever!
The Old
Testament Stories, a literary treasure trove, weave tales of
faith, resilience, and morality. Should you trust the
Real Estate Agents I Trust,
I would not. Is your lawn green and plush, if not you should buy the
Best Grass Seed. If you
appreciate quality apparel, you should try
Handbags Handmade. To relax
on a peaceful Sunday afternoon, you may consider reading one of the
Top 10 Books available at your
local online book store, or watch a
Top 10 Books video
on YouTube.
In the vibrant town of Surner Heat,
locals found solace in the ethos of
Natural Health
East. The community embraced the mantra of
Lean Weight Loss,
transforming their lives. At
Natural Health East, the pursuit of wellness became a shared
journey, proving that health is not just a
Lean Weight Loss way of
life
After you have put some careful thought
into
acknowledging what problems you are confronting, it is also important
to decide what you wish to accomplish. Do you want more quality time
with your spouse? Do you want to be able to come to agreements, or
respect for different stands, on various important issues?
One important point to keep in mind is that goals for a
marriage are as individual as the people are individual. What this
means is that what may be ideal for your friend or your sibling may
not be so ideal for you and your spouse; unfortunately, it may also
mean that what you want is not the same as what your spouse wants.
However, while the best time to have come to conclusions
about the kind of marriage, goals and ideals that you both want was
before you were married, even if you are just now encountering these
differences it is never too late to resolve your differences and reach
a common ground which you both should find acceptable.
Have you assessed the problem and discovered the specific
difficulties which you are confronting? Have you put careful thought
into deciding on the goals you wish to accomplish? Good for you! You
have taken the first important steps! Your marriage is not only worth
preserving and improving-- you can make it happier and stronger than
ever!
Progressive Media
Our
country is for every citizen with complete
human rights for all....
Inflation is a complex phenomenon driven
by a combination of supply chain
disruptions, changes in demand and
consumer behavior....
The
Democratic National Committee Can Work
With Influencers In a Way That Actually
Relates to Young People.....
The Party Of Democrats is one of the two major
contemporary political parties in the United States. Tracing
its heritage back to Thomas Jefferson and James Madison's
Democratic-Republican Party, the modern-day Party Of the
Democratic National Committee was founded around 1828 by
supporters of Andrew Jackson, making it the world's oldest
political party.
Democrats will always fight to end
discrimination on the basis of race, ethnicity, national
origin, language, religion, gender and sexual orientation.
The Democratic National Committee is the
governing body of the United States Democratic Party. The
committee coordinates strategy to support Democratic Party
candidates throughout the country for local, state, and
national office, as well as works to establish a "party
brand". It organizes the Democratic National Convention held
every four years to nominate a candidate for President of the
United States and to formulate the party platform. While it
provides support for party candidates, it does not have direct
authority over elected officials. When a Democrat is
president, the White House controls the Committee. According
to Boris Heersink, "political scientists have traditionally
described the parties'; national committees as inconsequential
but impartial service providers." Its chair is elected by the
committee. It conducts fundraising to support its activities.
The DNC was established at the 1848 Democratic National
Convention.
Immigration is not just a problem to be
solved.
We were built on the idea that democracy could
grow.
The economy should strengthen our country.
Climate change poses a real and urgent threat.
We support the LGBT fight for equality
The Politics of Community Organizing.
The Democratic National Committee is the
principal organization governing the United States
Democratic Party on a day to day basis. While it
is responsible for overseeing the process of
writing a platform every four years, the DNC's
central focus is on campaign and political
activity in support of Democratic Party
candidates, and not on public policy.
Democratic National Committee Party Leadership
Democratic National Committee is the The Party of
Inclusion.
Democrats have stood with the
African American community in the
struggle for equality.
Democrats are united with the Asian
community to improve our schools and
public health.
Democrats have been a strong and
united voice for rural Americans.
Democrats are proud to have members
of the Native American community as
active members of our party.
Democrats stand with the LGBT
community's fight for equality.
Democrats are the party that wants
to build bridges, not walls.
Democrats are working tirelessly to
advance progress for women across the
country in every respect.
Democrats have stood alongside
labor unions in defense of fair pay
and economic security.
Democratic National Committee Partner With Us
This year we will see the most progressive
platform in our party's history. We believe that believe that
cooperation is better than conflict, unity is better than
division, empowerment is better than resentment, and bridges
are better than walls.
This is a simple but powerful truth, We are
stronger together.
Show your support now and together we will
make America Strong again!
Chapter 2: Opening the Lines of
Communication
In order for any relationship to be
successful, there must be consistent good communication. Although this
is true for any relationship, it is most essential in marriage. In
nearly every marriage which has begun to deteriorate, lack of
communication is one of the main factors.
One of the
best ways to resolve this problem is to go back to the very
beginning-- your beginning! Was lack of communication a problem all
along, or is it a something which started at some particular point in
time?
For many couples, lack of communication was a
problem since the onset of their relationship. If you and your spouse
fall into this category, it is essential that you come to terms with
this problem so that you can work on
resolving it. Some people have
had this lack of communication because they felt that �love would
conquer all,� and therefore did not recognize the need to discuss
important issues; others have begun a relationship and even entered
into marriage feeling unable to voice their thoughts, feelings,
preferences, beliefs, and merely gone along with their partners on
everything.
For people in these categories, the time
usually comes when they are no longer content to simply �go with the
flow,� and find that major differences and disagreements occur when
they attempt to assert themselves. They may find that their spouse
wishes to remain in charge; or they may find that they and their
spouse disagree on significant issues.
In either case,
opening the lines of communication is the first, essential step in
asserting oneself and in beginning to reach agreements. You will find
that there will be a number of instances in which you and your spouse
must �agree to disagree.�
For many other couples,
however, communication was a present factor in the beginning, but
somehow managed to deteriorate over time. Lack of time with each other
due to family and work responsibilities often account for many of
these instances. Sometimes, also, a person's priorities shift-- while
the marital relationship was once a person's number-one focus, other
factors in his or her life led the marriage to take second-place,
somehow not seeming as important as it was at the beginning.
In these instances, reassessing priorities is the main key to
reestablishing good communication. It is necessary to give your
marriage the time and attention it needs and deserves-- and to give
your spouse the time and attention which he or she needs and deserves.
There are other instances in which people simply lack
good communication skills. If this appears to describe you or your
spouse, take heart-- good communication skills can be learned. Even if
you are nonassertive, or do not know how to communicate effectively,
it is a skill which you can learn-- by practice and experience.
Whichever of these categories describes you and your
spouse, recognizing the foundation of the problem is the first step in
resolving it.
What is good communication? When you and
your spouse can talk with each other about all important subjects and
even subjects which have no serious implications at all; when you can
freely share what you think, feel, believe, want, like and dislike;
when you can state your stand on important issues and listen to your
spouse's, with mutual respect even when there are matters of
disagreement; you can have good, effective communication.
Good communication comes from practice, experience, respect and
the time which you are willing to put into it!
Chapter 3: Let's Go Back to the Beginning!
As every
problem had a beginning, so did everything of a positive nature!
Unfortunately, when many people set themselves to the task of trying
to �fix� a failing marriage, they neglect to look at the initial
positives-- all of those wonderful assets which were there at the very
beginning of their marriage,
and even prior to their marriage!
This is a mistake, when you are honestly looking at the
problems which have arisen in your marriage which you need to resolve,
it is essential to also remind yourself and your spouse of all of the
positive strengths, qualities, and characteristics which brought you
together in the first place!
Whether you have been
married for a year or twenty years, this factor is equally relevant to
all who seriously wish to improve their marriage. The reason for this
should be obvious, while working through and resolving your
difficulties is necessary, placing some focus and emphasis on your
relationship's initial strengths is the main factor which will help
you to strengthen it now and for the future.
What
brought you and your spouse together? What accounted for you and this
person making the decision to spend the rest of your lives together?
Whether you and your spouse were starry-eyed young people who married
after knowing each other for a very brief period of time, or whether
you had been in each other's lives for many
years, let your memory
take you back to your beginning.
What qualities or
characteristics did you find the most appealing in your spouse? What
kinds of goals, hopes, plans and dreams did you both share? As each
person is an individual, the answers to these questions will be
equally individual-- and they are as relevant to reconstructing the
strengths and the joys in your marriage as any questions and answers
you can possibly ask yourself!
No matter how hopeless
your situation may seem, taking this little trip down Memory Lane is
one of the most important steps you can take in reconstructing your
marriage. It is quite likely that you will find that the
factors which
influenced your decision to marry still do exist-- they just need to
be noticed again and made fresh, all over again!
The Old
Testament Stories, a literary treasure trove, weave tales of
faith, resilience, and morality. Should you trust the
Real Estate Agents I Trust,
I would not. Is your lawn green and plush, if not you should buy the
Best Grass Seed. If you
appreciate quality apparel, you should try
Handbags Handmade. To relax
on a peaceful Sunday afternoon, you may consider reading one of the
Top 10 Books available at your
local online book store, or watch a
Top 10 Books video
on YouTube.
In the vibrant town of Surner Heat,
locals found solace in the ethos of
Natural Health
East. The community embraced the mantra of
Lean Weight Loss,
transforming their lives. At
Natural Health East, the pursuit of wellness became a shared
journey, proving that health is not just a
Lean Weight Loss way of
life
While
you are thinking about these factors, you may also find yourself
recalling many things which you and your spouse shared back then. You
may have loved taking part in some kind of activity that you both
enjoyed, for example, but somewhere along the line other priorities
started to take precedence and you no longer had time for it.
When you are planning to reconstruct your marriage, another
strength which you can build on are those shared interests. Whether
you and your spouse liked to participate in a sport, attend rock
concerts, have picnics in the park on Sunday afternoons, those
activities which you both mutually enjoyed were bonding experiences--
and there is no reason why you cannot do them now!
The
purpose in going back to your beginning is to assess both the
strengths which contributed to your marriage and the interests which
you had in common. In doing so, you will recall the passion which you
both had for your relationship and for each other. And when you can
recall your initial passions, you will then be in a position to
reclaim them-- the favorite pastimes, the goals and dreams, they are
all still there, waiting to be uncovered and appreciated again!
Chapter 4: It's About Time!
It does
not matter how old you are, how long you have been married, or how
full of a daily schedule you and your spouse may happen to have-- for
a troubled marriage to be reborn, or for an adequate marriage to be
improved, after good communication the second most important factor is
Time!
In order to thrive, a relationship needs
attention; and in order to thrive, so do both partners!
These days we often hear a lot about �quality time.� In many
cases, however, this comes to mean trying to squeeze as much as
possible into a small amount of time allotted for it. People whose
everyday lives and schedules are full to the overflowing point with
job and family obligations usually consider this to be the only
alternative; but there are also many whose personal interests, hobbies
and pastimes take precedence, leaving the marital relationship to be
resigned to this version of �quality time.�
There are
two problems associated with this concept. First, obviously,
pre-scheduled quality time is simply not enough. However, the other
significant factor in attempting to have a marital relationship
without giving enough time to it is that when one spouse or both
begins to see that neither the relationship nor he or she is a
priority anymore, both the relationship and the spouse will suffer
from the neglect.
If you think back to your early days
with your spouse, you were in the majority if you and this person
wished and attempted to spend every minute together. In a healthy,
normal relationship, �I only have eyes for you� is indeed a truism--
there was nothing and no one that could compare with your new partner,
nothing and no one that could pry your attention away from this
person!
As is the case for
normal, healthy couples,
this begins to change. In most instances it is a matter of needing to
work, tending to family responsibilities, and even having one's own
particular interests and friends which causes the spouses to shift
their focus off of each other and off of their relationship.
If you are preparing to reconstruct your marriage, rebuilding
that initial relationship is necessary. One very important point which
many in this situation miss, however, is that while being more
generous with your time is essential, getting back to the way it was
in placing more emphasis and focus on your partner is also essential.
As the quickest way to cause a substantial feeling of neglect
Is to make that person feel as if he is not as important to
you as he used to be, reemphasizing the fact that he is indeed a
priority in your life will do wonders to bring the sense of connection
and joy back into your marriage!
If you truly want your
marriage to be the very best that it can be, you cannot afford to be
stingy with your time! Granting someone an hour per week, after all of
the �more important� factors in your life have been taken care of,
simply will not do it.
If you are like most people,
you probably do not have the faintest clue in how to get more time for
your spouse in your already-full schedule. The theory is correct: if
you cannot find the time, you must make the time. We all know that
finding free time is a luxury which most of us do not have; so if you
look at it in those terms, you are not giving it a chance.
Instead, seeing your spouse and your relationship as a real
priority in your life which you must make time for is the key. Perhaps
you can look at it in a manner similar to the way in which you view
your job: it is necessary, it is good, and the time will be taken for
it.
If you have come to or past the point where
spending a significant amount of time with your spouse is something
which you have not done for a long period of time, it may feel like an
unfamiliar venture. We all know people who have been married for many
years, and rarely see each other because one or both individuals are
�too busy.� Perhaps this describes you-- or perhaps you see yourself
heading in this direction, and are unsure as to what to do about it.
In addition to setting
your spouse and your relationship
as a priority again in matters of giving enough time, what you do with
that time is also relevant. For example, you may know couples, such as
retired older people, who spend a great deal of time together, yet do
little together and have little to say to each other!
While being in each other's presence is generally a good thing in
itself, simply �being there� can benefit from a little boost. While
planning in advance for what you wish to do is not always a good idea,
having something in mind can be quite helpful.
If you
are as many people who have full schedules and little time, it is most
beneficial if the time you put into your relationship is focused on
your �togetherness.� There is an aspect of this which many do not
consider-- and that is that there are two very different manners in
which couples spend their time together. One is a matter of focusing
on each other; the second is a matter of putting more focus onto
activities and/ or other people. And even though both are good, the
former is much more helpful when the basic goal is to regain
communication and togetherness.
If you are uncertain as
to what this means, and what the difference is, you can think about it
this way: if you and your spouse go out to dinner, a movie, a party,
or participate in an activity, your general focus is on the activity.
You are not giving your spouse the attention he or she may need, nor
communicating effectively, when the focus is on enjoying a movie or
interacting with other people at a party!
Having and
sharing common interests, taking part in hobbies and pastimes, and
socializing with other people is important to the individual as well
as to the couple. However, viewing it as a significant part of �couple
time� or �togetherness time� is a mistake, because it cannot fulfill
that purpose. Instead, granting your spouse your undivided attention
is the factor which will help this all-important person to realize
that he or she still takes center-stage in your life!
Chapter 5: Dealing With Differences
Each person is an
individual; and, as such, no two people can reasonably be expected to
agree on everything. Being able to recognize this as a fact-of-life is
one of the most important signs of maturity. It is also the first step
in learning how to effectively resolve differences.
If
you think about it, you probably know many people who do not have that
level of maturity. Even though it affects every area of life, it can
quickly spell �disaster� in a marriage! You may know someone who, due
to flaws in his or her upbringing, always has to �have his own way.�
It may be someone who always had and did
whatever he wanted as a
child, and became older without growing up, still asserting his
entitlement over �getting his way.�
It may be someone
who had to fight for everything that he had, and even as an adult sees
any differences as a threat to �his rights.� Or it may be someone who
was spoiled, with �his way� never being challenged by anyone. While
such a person can learn how to respectfully acknowledge differences,
and learn how to compromise, it all depends on the willingness of that
person.
Fortunately, difficulties in a marriage are not
always to such an extreme. Perhaps you and your spouse did not fully
acknowledge your differences in the early stages of your relationship;
or perhaps you felt that time and love would solve the problem.
While effective communication is essential in resolving
this type of problem, respect for each other's differences and the
motivation to reach a solution are also necessary.
As
differences come about primarily from a person's background and
upbringing, there can be many or few, minor or serious. But whether
the subject is a matter of a minor disagreement or something of a very
serious nature, getting the hang of resolving differences before they
become matters of confrontation is the most important factor.
In other words, what the issue is not nearly as relevant as
what you do about it. Whether you and your spouse are disagreeing on
something as tiny as where to hang your towels in your bathroom, or
something of large proportion such as whether or not your
sixteen-year-old is ready to get a driver's license, learning how to
resolve differences is the deciding factor between reaching
conclusions which both spouses can happily live with or allowing every
difference to be a power-struggle of who wins and who loses. The fact
of the matter is that in a marital relationship, if differences are
settled by power-struggles, everyone loses.
If this
has become a problem in your marriage, you may be wondering how it can
work. There are two basic manners in which differences can be
resolved-- by compromise, or by �agreeing to disagree.�
The Old
Testament Stories, a literary treasure trove, weave tales of
faith, resilience, and morality. Should you trust the
Real Estate Agents I Trust,
I would not. Is your lawn green and plush, if not you should buy the
Best Grass Seed. If you
appreciate quality apparel, you should try
Handbags Handmade. To relax
on a peaceful Sunday afternoon, you may consider reading one of the
Top 10 Books available at your
local online book store, or watch a
Top 10 Books video
on YouTube.
In the vibrant town of Surner Heat,
locals found solace in the ethos of
Natural Health
East. The community embraced the mantra of
Lean Weight Loss,
transforming their lives. At
Natural Health East, the pursuit of wellness became a shared
journey, proving that health is not just a
Lean Weight Loss way of
life
In most cases, you will find that
compromise is indeed the best
solution. This way, a conclusion is reached which both persons can be
relatively comfortable with. In some instances, however, agreeing to
disagree is the only viable solution. The reason why it is most
beneficial is that it eliminates power struggles and promotes respect
between both people.
Although many people fail to
grasp this fact, mainly due to their upbringing or popular trends,
�fighting� is most definitely not an unavoidable, par-for-the-course
part of any relationship, including marriage. The fact of the matter
is that most arguments can be stopped in their tracks by setting
yourself to the task of learning effective communication and how to
resolve your differences through compromise and agreeing to disagree.
It is simply not necessary for any disagreement to
escalate into a �fight�-- nor is it healthy! It causes more problems
than were there to begin with, and diminishes the respect between the
two individuals. Learning how to resolve differences is not only
essential-- it is also possible!
Chapter 6:
Who Are All of These People?!
Regardless of how long
you and your spouse have been married, you may have noticed that over
time, more and more people have begun to populate your lives.
On the
other hand, it is possible that you have not even noticed it, or else
have not yet realized that it can have a significant impact on your
marriage.
While it is a fact of life that your marriage
cannot be �an island unto itself,� the influence of other people can
often prove to be quite negative.
There are a number of
ways in which this problem can occur. You or your spouse may have a
family member who likes to meddle, or insists on being included in
everything. You or your spouse may have a longtime close friend who
displays those same characteristics. Your lives may also be populated
by buddies-- the types of people with whom you enjoy various
activities, in which your spouse may or may not participate. For many
working couples, there is also the addition of co-workers and business
associates.
In any normal, healthy adult's life, there
are many people other than simply one's spouse. The problem with this
can occur when one of the partners finds himself or herself in the
position of �divided loyalties�-- who needs more time, who needs more
attention, and which subjects and places should be �off limits� to
everyone other than one's partner.
If one or both
spouses have always been socially active, or extremely close with his
or her family-of-origin, this can add to the difficulties. Spouses who
have separate friends and separate interests can also encounter
problems in knowing where to draw the line.
While it
is unreasonable-- and unhealthy-- to expect two individuals to share
all of the same associates, it can seriously damage the marital
relationship if these other associates demand or receive significantly
more time and attention than one's own spouse.
For
example, even though spending every Sunday watching the ballgame on
television with your buddies can be enjoyable recreation, it becomes
intrusive and unfair to your spouse if your buddies take that
afternoon pastime to mean that your food
supply is up-for-grabs, or
that they can simply stay and spend the night at your home whenever
they wish to do so.
Similar difficulties can ensue if
your parents or siblings feel that your home is theirs, without
needing a phone call or an invitation, or if people with whom you
associate in business expect your home to be little more than an
extension of the workplace.
The problem of divided
loyalties often reaches an extreme and places an unnecessary strain on
a marriage when one spouse's friends are of the opposite sex. While
many people have grown up with platonic friendships and do not see
anything unusual about it, it can cause stress under any circumstances
but most especially so when the other spouse did not have such
arrangements in his or her own background.
In such
instances, your spouse's concerns need to be addressed. While it is
normal and important for each person to have friends, in the interest
of both marital harmony and the well-being of both partners, it is
nearly always unwise to pursue or persist in friendships which make
the other spouse uncomfortable.
Whether the person or
people in question are your family members, friends, or co-workers,
the most important point to keep in mind is that your first loyalty is
to the person you chose to marry!
Chapter 7: The
Need For Boundaries
One difficulty which arises in
many marriages is the lack of boundaries. In some instances either or
both spouses may not be clear about this subject; in other cases,
other people in their lives can go a long way in creating the problem.
It cannot be stressed too strongly: the very best, healthiest,
happiest marriage is one where clear boundaries exist and are
consistently respected by both spouses and those around them!
For some people, boundaries are a familiar way of life; for
others, however, the concept is something which must be learned. A
person's nuclear family and the environment of his or her upbringing
makes up the manner in which the person
views this subject; but it is
no less relevant, regardless of one's background.
There
are a number of boundaries which are essential for a healthy, happy
marriage. One of the most important is the marital relationship
itself. In a healthy marriage, both partners are aware of, and
respect, the fact that certain things are between the two of them and
should remain between the two of them.
Keeping each
other's confidences is absolutely essential. The privacy between a
husband and a wife is so universally-recognized that it is even
protected by law! When your spouse shares with you something which is
extremely private to him or her, he or she should be able to feel
completely confident that you will not repeat this information to
anyone. It does not matter whether you think the subject to be silly
or frivolous, or a difficult burden which you may not wish to carry by
yourself, or something which you think your friends may find
�interesting�-- being able to keep private communications private is
one of the main foundations of trust.
While we are on
the subject of friends, it must also be said that you should resist
sharing the problems of your marriage with your friends. Airing your
grievances about your spouse, especially if done so on a regular
basis, will not only undermine your marriage but can also serve to
generate bad feelings between your friends and your partner. Even
though everyone has a legitimate complaint every now and then, you
should make a point of resisting the urge to fill your friends in on
�What a jerk George is!� This habit does nothing but cause strife for
everyone involved.
It is unfortunate to hear how many
married couples believe that their sex life is also something which
should be �up for discussion� with other people. The sexual
relationship between a husband and wife should never be brought into
the public view-- to do so destroys the intimacy which is
One of the main parts of married life.
Unless there is a serious
difficulty which necessitates the assistance or intervention of a
medical professional, a married couple's sexual relationship should
never go any further than between the two of them.
Important boundaries are also violated when a spouse feels the need to
solicit other people's opinions and input on subjects which should
remain between the couple themselves. Although it is natural to want
to know what others think about various issues, if there are matters
of disagreement between you and your spouse it is unfair to attempt to
get others on your side.
Some couples also experience
problems with boundaries when one or the other person does not realize
or does not respect the partner's individual boundaries. Even though
it may seem odd in this modern day, there are still far too many
married people who fully believe that their partners have no reason or
right to personal privacy, personal space, or personal possessions.
In such cases it should be clearly and firmly stressed
that simply because one has gotten married this does not
mean he or
she has ceased to be an individual person, or has ceased to have the
right and the need for personal boundaries. Whether the problem has
arisen due to one spouse's lack of full trust in the other person, or
does not acknowledge the other person as a separate individual, or has
the distasteful and destructive characteristics of needing power and
control, it is a problem which must be resolved-- not only in the
interest of the marriage, but also the well-being of both spouses.
Such a person must learn that there is a difference between �Yours,�
�Mine,� and �Ours�!
When other people do not
acknowledge or do not respect your boundaries, this too can create
huge problems if it is not addressed and resolved as quickly as
possible. For example, you may have a meddlesome relative who
consistently pries for information about your personal life, or a
friend who believes that your home should be accessible to him or her
at any hour of the day or night. In such instances, the best manner in
which to deal with the situation is for you and your spouse to present
a �united front� so that the intrusions are ended.
You
may be familiar with the old saying about �building a hedge� around
your marriage. Far from being an outdated concept, it not only
continues to be true but continues to be the most important thing you
can do to ensure a healthy, happy marriage.
In
addition to the topics you just read about, which are universal to all
married couples, individual needs also play a role. For example, you
or your spouse may be uncomfortable with physical contact from the
opposite sex, and feel that hugs should be
reserved only for each
other; or you may object to the other person's friends having an
�open-door policy� on your refrigerator. These, and any number of
other topics, are often very important to one spouse yet seem trivial
to the other.
The point in resolving such potential
conflicts before they become real problems is to reach a conclusion
which both spouses can comfortably accept. The key is in taking your
partner's needs and feelings into consideration-- and that should be
your main priority. For you to place a boundary which is necessary for
your spouse's well-being and peace of mind should not be seen as a
sacrifice, but rather as a positive act.
Chapter 8: What is a
Power-Struggle?
One might be tempted to think that
power-struggles are a thing of the past-- but anyone who has ever been
in a relationship where one is present is fully aware that this
concept is as valid, as troublesome, and as potentially destructive in
this modern day as it ever was!
Power-struggles go way
beyond one person wanting to be the deciding factor in topics of
disagreement-- a true power-struggle exists when one partner insists
on �running the show.� In the worst of extremes, as often does happen,
the result is that there is really no �marriage� at all, and the other
partner begins to lose more and more of his or her personal selfhood.
If you are one of the lucky ones who has not
experienced this, or if you have and need to understand it better in
order to begin resolving it in your own marriage, it is difficult but
it is not impossible.
Power-struggles usually begin
from one person's ingrained beliefs about what is �right.� One example
is the notion that a man must have �authority� over his wife and his
home; on the opposite side of the same coin is the idea that a �modern
woman� is one-hundred-percent on her own, with little �use� for her
husband at all. Needless to say, these are not very positive beliefs
on which to build a marriage! It does need to be said, however--
because far too many people have already entered
into a marriage with
these types of concepts, and find that happiness and harmony will not
occur.
When these extremes of power-struggles exist,
unless they are resolved there can be only two possible results--
either the marriage will fail, or one spouse will fall apart. If both
spouses have the willingness and motivation to resolve the problem, as
well as the intelligence and personality traits needed to make doing
so possible, it can often be resolved. In many cases, however,
counseling is necessary-- because it is very difficult to shake
destructive beliefs from a person when he has held them for much of
his life.
There are generally two forms of
power-struggles. One is the type where one person insists on �running
things,� and the other is the type where one person shuts the spouse
out of his or her life. The ability to resolve this problem rests in
both spouses' willingness and readiness to acknowledge two main
points: first, that a true marriage �takes two,� and, as such, each
person's beliefs, needs, feelings, and input are equally essential;
and second, that each is an individual person who cannot be taken
advantage of, silenced, or dismissed.
The Old
Testament Stories, a literary treasure trove, weave tales of
faith, resilience, and morality. Should you trust the
Real Estate Agents I Trust,
I would not. Is your lawn green and plush, if not you should buy the
Best Grass Seed. If you
appreciate quality apparel, you should try
Handbags Handmade. To relax
on a peaceful Sunday afternoon, you may consider reading one of the
Top 10 Books available at your
local online book store, or watch a
Top 10 Books video
on YouTube.
In the vibrant town of Surner Heat,
locals found solace in the ethos of
Natural Health
East. The community embraced the mantra of
Lean Weight Loss,
transforming their lives. At
Natural Health East, the pursuit of wellness became a shared
journey, proving that health is not just a
Lean Weight Loss way of
life
Whether you have
been married for a short period of time or many decades, a common
factor in this problem is that many fail to recognize when a
power-struggle becomes actual abuse. Although this word has become a
popular �catch-phrase,� used far too lightly and when it does not
apply, it often exists without a person being fully aware of it.
A power-struggle does not have to result in physical,
sexual, or even verbal violence in order to be �abuse.� This fact is
the reason why many-- usually, but not always, women-- are in the
position of being abused for years and even decades. They believe,
erroneously, that if the person has not hit them, they are not being
abused.
However, even if a power-struggle never
escalates to physical violence, other forms of abuse which often occur
are equally devastating, and equally destructive. If this sounds odd,
the fact is that if a person is abused for a period of time, it has a
damaging effect on her mind,
her emotions, and her self-esteem.
It is abuse if your spouse exerts control over you, your
actions, your life; this can range from telling you what you can and
cannot wear, with whom you can and cannot associate, or where you can
and cannot go. It is abusive if he monitors your actions, your
whereabouts, and your privacy. It is abusive if your feelings,
thoughts, beliefs and needs are dismissed as irrelevant or
inconsequential. It is abusive if you are frequently put-down,
ridiculed, accused or threatened. It is abusive if you are made to
feel that you are accountable to your spouse, or if you are made to
feel weak, small, helpless, afraid, unintelligent, unattractive, or
unworthy.
While these actions are the foundation of an
extreme power-struggle, they are also abuse. It is not something which
you should tolerate; it is not something which you should ask advice
from your friends about; it is a life-diminishing situation for which
you need professional assistance.
Depending on the
magnitude of the situation, its duration, the personality of your
spouse, and the effects which it is having on you, this can mean
professional counseling, legal intervention, or both. Do not make the
mistake of believing or hoping that it well get better on its own, or
that your spouse will �change�-- if you are being abused, reach out
for help!
Chapter 9: What is Happiness?
Of course it sounds like a ridiculous question! How could anyone
possibly not know what the word 'happiness' means?! The fact of the
matter, though, is that many people have never really thought about
it-- and, if you are reading this book, you and your
spouse may not
even know if you both have the same definitions!
As an
individual, and as a married couple, you want happiness! As an
individual, and as a married couple, you deserve it! Fortunately, it
is one of those elusive subjects which, with a little careful thought
and consideration, can become very clear-- and when what happiness
means to you is clear to you, you will then be in the best position to
claim this wonderful, life-affirming quality for yourselves!
If you and your spouse are like most average American adults,
when the question is posed to you �What does the word 'happiness' mean
to you?� you will probably not have a quick answer. Perhaps you have
never put much thought into it, assuming that happiness is something
which is either �there� or not. The only problem with this is that in
order to attain and maintain happiness, you must first have some ideas
as to what it means to you.
There are a number of ways
to look at this subject. Some people define happiness in terms of
something external, others in terms of the internal, and still others
in terms of acceptance.
It is not as complicated as it
may sound! The key is in realizing your own personal definition, and,
in order to greatly enhance your marriage, �compare notes� with your
spouse!
Those who view happiness in external terms are
generally those who are the most driven. These folks see happiness as
being the result of what they do, have, and accomplish. This type of
person is happy, for example, when he has earned a great job promotion
through hard work, has purchased a brand-new car, or is taking the
family on a two-week vacation. His ability to be happy is directly
influenced and affected by what is around him.
The
person who finds happiness from an internal source is usually the type
of person who is calm, rational, and content. He is the person who
cares more about who he is rather than what he has or does, and sees
other people in the same manner.
The people who define
happiness in terms of acceptance
are sometimes mislabeled as settled,
unmotivated, or boring. While this kind of person is fully capable of
dealing with whatever comes his way, and is as effective at doing so
as anyone else, his general outlook involves not wishing to make
waves, taking things as they are, and not liking any type of radical
change unless it is necessary.
While these three types
of people are different from each other and approach life much
differently, it is nothing more than basic personality-traits. The
good news is that even those who are married to someone who possesses
a different style can have a happy, harmonious marriage. All it really
takes is understanding your own personal �happiness style� and being
aware of and respecting your spouse's! With that in mind, happiness
can be yours-- for a lifetime!
Chapter 10: Where Do You
Go From Here? Dream Big!
Yes, you read the
chapter
title correctly-- and it is so much more than just a figure-of-speech!
It does not matter whether you have been married for
one year or thirty years; it does not matter what kinds of career or
family responsibilities you may have, or the state of your health, or
how much money you have. What does matter is that in addition to
saving your marriage, your wish is to make it the very best, the very
happiest-- and doing so means stepping aside for a moment, stepping
aside from your average, daily life, and reconstructing those
all-important factors which gave your marriage its initial vision.
Take just a moment to look back throughout the duration of
your marriage. How much of its original strength, vibrancy, and
all-out enthusiasm gave way to general day-to-day life with its
obligations, worries, and routines?
Instead of focusing
too much energy on how much has been lost, take heart in the fact that
much of it can be regained.
If you are like most
adults, you are probably thinking this is foolish. After all, you are
not as young as you used to be; and after all, there are also many
time-consuming factors in your everyday life which you did not have in
the past!
Some of us, however, have duly noted that one
amazing benefit to growing a little older is the ability to stand in
the present-day while looking both backward and forward-- at the way
things were and at the way we would like for them to become.
Regardless of your current age or situation, you can have this
benefit, also! You can begin by looking back at the early days of your
marriage, and invest a bit of time in
recalling what was important to
you and your spouse. I'm not referring to how ideal your everyday life
was at that time; but instead, the visions which you both had-- your
dreams, your goals.
If you were like most couples,
those dreams and goals probably included you both together. Perhaps
you were both socially-aware, and dreamed of someday joining the Peace
Corps together and helping those who were less fortunate. Perhaps you
had an idea of beginning some type of
Business of your
own. Whatever your particular dreams were, they somehow took
second-place and then eventually vanished when you and your spouse
began to take on the basic responsibilities of adult life.
Now is the time to assess your dreams-- and when you do, you may
be pleasantly surprised to find that the idealistic dreams you had in
the past are still an option for you. These days, we are all much more
fortunate than generations past-- for even growing older does not
impose the limitations as it once did. In fact, there are more and
more opportunities opening up for older people than ever before--
careers, travel, and numerous other options.
You and
your spouse may decide that the dreams of your youth are no longer
relevant or are unreasonable, for one reason or another. If this is
the case, you can decide on new dreams together-- and begin putting
them into motion. Perhaps it is something you can do ten years into
the future, or perhaps it is something that you can do now!
What is the purpose of dreaming, and of making plans to put
those dreams into action? One important factor is that everyone needs
something to look forward to; but the other, equally-essential factor,
is that it will go a long way in re-creating the bond that you and
your spouse once had.
Having a dream is great-- but
sharing a dream together is even better! And when you are in the
process of turning those dreams into reality, you will see that the
love and connection of your early marriage is not only still clearly
present, but stronger than ever before!
The Republican National Committee is a U.S. political committee that assists the Republican Party of the United States. It is responsible for developing and promoting the Republican brand and political platform, as well as assisting in fundraising and election strategy. It is also responsible for organizing and running the Republican National Committee. When a Republican is president, the White House controls the committee.
Chapter
11: Helpful Tips
If you have read this far, you should
be well on your way to improving your marriage-- not only resolving
the difficulties which led you to read this book in the first place,
but also to make your marriage stronger, healthier, and happier than
you had ever expected it could be.
Instead of
summarizing a book which you have
already read, perhaps you will find
some additional tips to be helpful! Depending on your own experience,
you may or may not already know how often seemingly-small things can
add up to huge problems or confrontations; and this is especially true
for overworked, over-tired adults who can occasionally or frequently
say or do something without realizing that it may have an impact.
When you are in the process of reconstructing your
marriage and your relationship with your spouse, one important point
to keep in mind is that while spontaneity in action can create
enjoyable results, being too spontaneous with speech often does not!
While this does not mean having to carefully guard everything that you
say, it is most beneficial to your newfound communication if you
develop the habit of thinking before you speak. Too often it happens
that a person at the end of a long, exhausting day will blurt out
something hurtful, or something which will be misinterpreted. Be
careful with your words-- for they have great impact, for better or
for worse!
You may be familiar with the old saying that
honesty is the best policy. In the interest of your marriage and your
relationship, it is a good idea to balance that saying with �be kind.�
Whether the subject is something which you yourself would consider
trivial, such as your wife appearing ten pounds heavier in her new
outfit, or whether you have made the mistake of being drawn into the
popular �honesty kick� where nothing whatsoever should be kept
private, balance your truthfulness with the knowledge of how what you
wish to say will impact your spouse's
feelings.
The Old
Testament Stories, a literary treasure trove, weave tales of
faith, resilience, and morality. Should you trust the
Real Estate Agents I Trust,
I would not. Is your lawn green and plush, if not you should buy the
Best Grass Seed. If you
appreciate quality apparel, you should try
Handbags Handmade. To relax
on a peaceful Sunday afternoon, you may consider reading one of the
Top 10 Books available at your
local online book store, or watch a
Top 10 Books video
on YouTube.
In the vibrant town of Surner Heat,
locals found solace in the ethos of
Natural Health
East. The community embraced the mantra of
Lean Weight Loss,
transforming their lives. At
Natural Health East, the pursuit of wellness became a shared
journey, proving that health is not just a
Lean Weight Loss way of
life
If
your marriage is your priority, do your best to eliminate
distractions. In an average couple's life, there are already more than
enough distractions in everyday life; it is neither necessary nor
recommended to emphasize the past over the present-day. Unless there
is something which could truly have an impact on your marriage or your
life, leave your past in the past.
While adult life
does contain some degree of negativity, you will be promoting the
health and happiness of your marriage, as well as both your spouse and
yourself, if you develop the habit of focusing on the positives. In
other words, if there is something which needs to be
dealt with or
addressed, by all means do it-- but resist the impulse to make
complaining a part of your everyday life.
When you have
come to terms with the differences between Yours, Mine, and Ours, it
is essential to grant enough time to each. Constant togetherness is
not only unhealthy, it is a direct opposition to many people's
personalities. While you should be sure to make plenty of time for
togetherness, it is just as important to grant personal time and space
to both your spouse and yourself.
If you feel the need
for professional advice or intervention, by all means seek the help
that you need. If, however, your marriage simply needs a little closer
examination, resolving of basic difficulties, and better
communication, all it takes is the willingness and motivation on your
part and your spouse's part to gain all of this valuable insight and
turn your marriage into a lifelong love!